When I first read about emotional intelligence, the first thing I thought of was the way I presented myself on college campus. Those weren’t really the best years of my life. In college I was a commuter and had no idea how to make or keep friends. My concern was to get in and out of class fast. I had absolutely no problem raising my hand in class and I would often hold long debates and arguments. I was the the annoying spaz that had something to say and always ready to argue and criticize. I had no issue ridiculing myself in front of the class simply because I was my self’s biggest critic.
I never gave anyone a chance to get to know me better. I was scared to open up or get close. I was convinced i was a weirdo with too many issues and the worst I could do is let anyone hurt me anymore. I was convinced that I’ve embarrassed myself in class and didn’t want to make a bigger issues out of it. I used to walk in a fast pace and my head down constantly. I avoided eye contact because I didn’t want to face the shame.
In fact there was no real shame or judgment except from what was going on in my head. Too many thoughts were tangled in my head and made it impossible to distinguish emotions. Hence the only emotion I could display was confusion and anger; a sort of emotion that tells everyone to stay away. I would just display a faint smile by forcing my lips together and keep looking down. It was all better in my head and that’s where I wanted to go. I wanted to escape in my daydream, when I had complete control of my emotions. That’s where I could be me.
None of it was my fault or anyone else’s. Other people read into my emotions and tried to use their best judgement. Their emotional feedback made them understand that i needed them to stay away. My emotional feedback told me to stay away from anyone else in fear another emotional injury. An injury I am still trying to recover from and trying to understand better and better every day. Maybe the answer will be found in the paragraphs I write. Maybe you’ll find the answer for me.