The path

Approaching 30. Getting old or getting young?

I turn 26 in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure how to feel though. Birthdays have become something of a necessary evil reminding me I have to celebrate and be happy. That isn’t necessarily my attitude though. I don’t remember the last time i celebrated my birthday. Well there was this one time two years ago and before that nothing. I’m not necessarily talking about parties or gifts, but rather the feel-good sensation most people get I guess. Some people take the day off, some people act like kings or queens and some others turn the world upside down. I don’t remember taking the day of in a very long time. Hell i didn’t skip classes either. All I  did was waking up to my parents’ well wishes and the occasional gift they could afford to give me. On top of that my mom used to nag me and still does a month ahead, asking me what I’d like.

But I do usually tend to ask myself, whether I am getting old or young. Is 26 still young with a full life and opportunities ahead or is my youth going away and now I need to get going and get my act together and try to settle? What is one to do in their late 20s? I have a good job and career perspective. On top of that I have a good credit, a car and I’m usually presentable. I’m ready for the grown- up world and ready to face challenges. I can wear a three piece suit, handle my liquor and go to the barber every other week. I have a well defined schedule, a calendar and a reputable professionalism. I am able to earn respect from the people around me. I value honesty and I know what i stand for.

It’s unfair however that I never got to be young. I still wanna go crazy on weekend nights. I want to be on my 6th girlfriend. I want to have tried a drug and forget about it. I wanna sneak in the club with a fake ID. I wanna go back to those crazy college parties, I never knew where they were. I wanna do it over again and do it my way. I’d like to try getting kicked out of the bar for being too drunk. I wanna get punched and beaten for hitting on someone else’s girlfriend. I wanna make fitness my habit. I wanna develop a close circle of friends that I am constantly in touch with. I wanna go back and change my major in college. I wanna go back and tell all my classmates that I’m not weird and I would appreciate their friendship. I wanna go back and live like I’m not better or worse than anybody else.

As I’m writing this I realize that my time’s not up, but yet I’m scared. I had the chance and blew it. I had the chance and didn’t cease it. I failed to look at other things in life except from myself and my fantasies. I failed to face my problems and emotional barriers and tear them down on time. But life is long I guess. Regret fixes absolutely nothing and in addition I can come to this world prepared better than anyone else. Apparently pain and suffering makes all of it easier now, when for others it’s usually harder. But I’m not upset. I’m happy to have gotten this far, but I wish I could grow up and take another leap. Take a leap, reach out and crush loneliness. Nothing is really worth it in this life if you don’t share it with others.

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Categories: The path

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