I’m sitting here in front of my computer and have opened a google docs page. As I’m writing this excerpt I have instructed Alexa to play City of Stars and Pearl Jam’s Garden on repeat. I just got off my bed watching a show and waiting for dinner. Almost every 40 seconds I check my phone for the nonexistent notification, snap or message. It doesn’t bother me and I’m not really expecting anything, but it’s an inconvenient habit.
Somehow now I feel like writing. It’s a highly recommended way to cope with emotions, thoughts and the current state of mind. I feel like I have an audience.Plus it’s more creative and productive than the drinks at the bar or going to a show I don’t like.
I’ve had many of these now. Many weekend nights with no plans. Many weekend nights with just looking at my phone without gaining anything out from it. Many weekends wondering about how big the world is and all the opportunities that extend outside my walls. And oh if I could just step outside and enjoy it all. Take the risk and live a little. These are the thoughts I am conditioned to have. These are the ways I punish myself for not doing what I’m supposed to do. But in the other hand I really don’t wanna be alone. I don’t wanna look at myself from the outside.
But I’ve also come to realize that writing this short piece makes me feel more at peace with what I’m doing. I realize that this makes me feel alive. Putting these words on a virtual paper is actually exploring my never ending opportunities and realizing my fullest potential. Doing what you enjoy at that given time, is using your potential to be someone you wanna be and doing something you want to do. That potential isn’t wasted. It’s there for that time you need it. Time spent doing what you enjoy is time well spent after all. So the agony of loneliness just fades away as I realize that loneliness, is just the grief of being alone.
Categories: The path